January 2009

Silence

Tolerance and acceptance - two things that I’m NOT looking for.  Tolerance indicates that there is something to put up with.  It says “there’s something wrong with that, but I’ll deal with it.”  Acceptance isn’t a whole lot better.  It implies that there is something to accept – that before you can become accepted, you have to demonstrate that you can overcome this fault or flaw.

Pain can be tolerated.  Tributes and college applicants are accepted.  Homosexuality needs neither.  Rewarding people for tolerating gay relationships or accepting the gay community simply reinforces the idea that there is something wrong or abnormal with gays to start off with.  There isn’t.  In the context of some social or religious values, that might be the case, just as in another social or religious context, women are beneath men.  Society and religious beliefs can be wrong.

Sexuality also offers some complications – it can be denied.  It’s difficult to deny that one is of a specific racial background or gender.  One may not like it or feel that one fits in better under a different category, but it would be difficult for a person to try to fool him or herself into thinking that his/her gender is just a phase or that their racial background can be changed through some sort of therapy.

Denial can introduce some complications, especially when the only way we have of knowing someone is gay or bisexual is for them to tell us.  That’s why silence is so damaging in cases where answers don’t lie on the surface.  We not only deprive ourselves from healthy and truthful relationships with ourselves and others, but we also injure those who are dealing with similar issues.  We leave them without having someone to identify with and instead demonstrate our own acceptance of other peoples’ judgements.

Ultimately, silence is not the answer.  Silence is the purveyor.

Coming out of the Closet

Who came up with this term?  Its lame.  We need to think of a new one.  If revealing our sexuality amounts to walking out of a closet door, then we would be living in a world of closets within closets within closets.  Hell, wed never get out the front door.  You know what I mean, right?  Throughout our lives, were in a perpetual state of revealing who we are to ourselves, to our friends, to our families, other loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances even complete strangers.  In addition, that person who we think we are and that we reveal to others may change over time, and we may have to come out all over again!

Our identities are an important part of who we are, and most people have a certain identity that they want others to recognize.  Yet identity is such an abstract thing.  All alone, identity wouldnt matter.  Why would it matter how you identified if you were the only person?  So, in a sense, identity a sense of self, is the exact opposite a sense of others.  Its about being recognized, perhaps by others, perhaps by your self, but most often by both.  In actuality, identity is determined by others.  After all, it is society in general that defines who fits within the confines of a certain identity.  We simply conform to the identity we want so that society will tag us with our desired label.  Then of course, there are some identities that come just by being who we are.  Those of us within those identities then learn to accept ourselves, perhaps even build up some pride, or end up despising ourselves and live miserably.  Of course, Im speaking in general terms and everyone is more than welcome to disagree.  So this process of self identity and self identification has been mischaracterized as a grand one-time revelation and emergence from some primordial clothes depository.  Theres even a day for it National Coming Out Day.  (Usually happens in October so keep your calendars open)

Despite the lame and misleading name that has been assigned to this unusual aspect of queer life, we have to live with it (for now unless any of you have any other suggested terminology).  And whether we like it or not, it is a topic that we have to deal with.  Why do I call it unusual?  I call it unusual because the rest of the people the normies (or normal people) seem to have no closets to emerge from.  How many people have come to you in your lifetime and said Yes, the rumors are true, I am attracted to the OPPOSITE SEX!  Coming out about ones sexuality is definitely different.  There are no experiences that can prepare one for it.  And thats why so many people F*CK IT UP!

Not to be mean, but many of us are so desperate to reveal who we are, that in the process of coming out, we light a stick of TNT and our entire wardrobe is spewed into the next county and dirty laundry lands on little old grandmothers night stand.  In order to avoid this, here are a few tips from me to you:

Newtons 3^rd Law of Gossips:  Exponential Growth.  Yes, we know you like to share your secrets with your best friend.  Or perhaps youre one of those kinky guys who only share it with strangers 2 islands away.  Either way, your entire family, church, school, social and/or civic group will know by the end of the month.  Whats the lesson?  If you have to tell someone, prepare yourself because others are going to find out.

Sugar Daddy.  I write Sugar Daddy because thats what youre going to have to find if your primary financier writes you out of their budget when word of your homo-tendencies literally blows their way.  Daddy and Mommy will sometimes want returns on their investments often in the form of what they deem as respect, grandchildren, and/or freedom from shame and embarrassment.  Think ahead.  Wait until youre financially stable.  Either that or be prepared to move out and get a job, enter hetero-therapy, or at the very least live in an unwelcome household avoiding conversations about what everyone is thinking.

Location, location, location.  Theres something to be said about picking the right place and the right time.  Family gatherings, public places, in the middle of a heated argument, in the car, and over the phone tend to fall under the heading WRONG PLACE/TIME.  You want others to respect you for who you are.  Show them the same respect by providing them with an environment where they can fully absorb what youre saying and express their own personal feelings and thoughts.  It also wouldnt hurt to have some resources and information available in the form of brochures and pamphlets on human sexuality, coming out, and phone numbers of non-gay counselors or supportive clergy for them to seek out support.

Boy Scout Motto:  Be Prepared.  Anything can happen be ready for anything, especially any worst case scenarios.  Run through the What ifs?  Be sure youve established support.  You can do this alone.  You can also jump off a cliff and pray youll survive.  Just because you can do something doesnt mean there isnt a better way.  Find someone who you can rely on and lean on for emotional support.  If youre coming out to parents, it might also help if your support person has a spare bed or couch just in case the water boils over and you get swept out the front door.  If that happens, leave them the brochures and a number where they can reach you.  Dont feel bad its neither your or their fault that society has brainwashed them into zombies.

Last but not least:  for once in your life, its all about YOU.  You are coming out for your own benefit, not because your friends are, not because your partner wants you to, not to prove it to anyone, or to improve your standing on the social ladder.  Only you can decide when youre ready and its a decision that you should be making with your eyes wide open.  Familiarize yourself with your sexual identity - figure out who you are because only then can you adequately explain it to another person.  Lastly, realize that there may be people in your life who you choose not to come out to, and thats perfectly okay.

What you believe vs. what you think you know

There's a debate raging around the country around evolution and creationism.  It seems a bit intense, but what it boils down to is science versus religion, and with the climate of the country right now, religion seems to be making a comeback.  I shouldn't even call it science vs. religion - it's more like Science vs. Christianity.

I happen to be an expert in neither, but this is my xanga so I get to say what I want.  =)

Somewhere in the course of our country's creation, someone intituted a policy of separation of church and state.  To someone out there, it made sense that the government should stick to governing, to caring for the people that it was responsible for.  Someone was clear-headed enough to know that incorporating religion into goverment would impair that ability.

Religions can be good things.  They incorporate values and morals into much of our society.  Many of them encourage us to help others and they often function as social venues.  Most, if not all, also teach us to believe in certain things that cannot be directly proven, whether they be gods, places, the afterlife, a cycle of existence, a certain version of how the world came to be, etc....  Looking at religion logically, most people would think that we would all fall under the parameters of just one.  In other words, my religion is the right one, therefore making the other religions the wrong ones. 

That's why religion happens to be bad at governing.  Once a single religion is used to govern, everyone that isn't part of that religion and members of the religion who are questioning certain aspects of it are silenced.  There are various ways to silence people.  In the past, if one questioned the world being flat or the earth not being the center of the universe, you might be physically punished or put under home arrest.  Many people who founded our country were themselves immigrants who fled countries where they were persecuted for not believing the "right" things.  Today, silence comes in the form of things such as money, education, access, etc.... 

A good example is education.  Under the Bush administration, abstinence only education became the primary and often the sole vehicle for sex education in many states.  Many would say this is a good thing and would blindly follow.  After all, abstinence is a good thing.  The questionable portion about an "abstinence only" program is not the "abstinence", but the "only".  It means you can't talk about how to protect oneself if one does happen to engage in sex (which means you have to find that information elsewhere even if you do abstain until later).  Abstinence based education, on the other hand, promotes abstinence, but equips the students with many of the tools they need in the case that they do become sexually active or, in many cases, already are.  I could go on and on about this topic, but I want to get back to my point.

Many would say that this has nothing to do with religion, and they would be completely wrong.  Sex is a common topic in Christianity, and throughout history sexual repression has been often connected with religious movements, missionaries, etc....  Unfortunately, the Republican Party is dominated by many who feel it is okay to impose their religious values upon the rest of their constituency. 

The concept of creationism, which has been veiled as "Intelligent Design", is just one way that some religions are trying to make their way into our system of government to impose their beliefs.  They are billing "Intelligent Design" as a competing theory to the the theory of evolution.  Unfortunately, in order to do away with a scientific theory, it has to be replaced by a more accurate, scientifically proven theory, and creationism simply hasn't been proven.

But this still leaves us with the things we believe vs. the things we know.  In many cases, the knowledge that we possess is compatible with our beliefs.  Then there are those cases where those two things aren't compatible.  What happens then?  Options include rejecting or changing our beliefs and/or rejecting or reinterpreting our knowledge.  In the end, it really depends on your personal preference, but I try and think of this:  In the past, science has on occassion proven religions to be wrong.  In many cases, the religions just ignore the scientists and tell their people to have faith, and in many cases (probably most), the religions won out.  In some instances though, the churches have had to concede and adapt their beliefs.  I have never heard of a church proving science wrong, at least not in recent history.

Actually folks, Star Trek advocates the idea of intelligent design.  In Star Trek: The Next Generation (ST:TNG), the crew of the Enterprise discovers that the path towards our evolution was set into motion by an alien species.

Wonders!